Well, dear readers, I’ve pretty much got my in box empty, time to fill it up again!
I really shouldn’t watch T.V. I’m no good at the passive double think truly enjoying vision tele requires.
And I seem to be completely lacking the sophistication required to enjoy a celebrity I had almost forgot existed, who was in a sitcom I kinda enjoyed, a decade ago, who lost weight, then gained weight, then lost weight, then gained weight, then was recruited in the twilight of their questionable career to dance the “Macarena” with other celebrities who I care less about than my next door neighbor’s cat.
So yeah, I shouldn’t watch V to the T.
Last night, I definitely shouldn’t have watched the Canadian leadership debate, not a great idea, and for all you Canadians who missed it, I’ll sum up for you, and for you, my former American countrymen, if you thought your country was screwed, get ready to feel a whole lot better about yourself! Let’s move on…
Show Me The Money!
A little background info is necessary methinks. The current Canadian Government has been up to a whole lot of no good it seems.
A report of some sort was leaked, and it seems the party in power was giving wheelbarrows full of cash to their friends, and to big business, hockey stick manufacturers and maple syrup conglomerates I believe, and big tax breaks to the powerful Canadian Beaver Trapper Lobby.
Sure, corruption is expected from American politicians, but in
Canada I guess this sort of behavior is frowned upon. We’re supposed to be “nice”.
I used the word “methinks” to classy up this little post, and to cover for the fact that, as usual, I am doing absolutely no research.
Another interesting fact is the government in power wants to spend 20 billion, or 30 billion, or 800 million gajillion jillion mabillion dollars on fighter planes.
Canada shares a few pretty big lakes with the U.S. of A. We call these lakes great!
Well sharing these great lakes with the Yanks has been a little like sharing the bed with a greedy fat man. The second we’re not looking the fat guy steals all the covers.
So the Americans are pumping dry the great lakes. I guess we’re alright with that. In return I thought we had agreed that the US’ers would “have our back”.
I thought we Canucks were involved in a Godfather like relationship with
America. Sure you bend us over and do us not so gently sometimes, but my understanding was that in return no one else got to bend us over and have unlubricated fun with us.
I thought that was the deal!?!
Why are we buying fighter jets?
That, however, is not the point.
The point, I think, is someone left some confidential papers in an overdue library book when they returned it, and it turns out Canadian politicians are just as guilty as Americans at bribery, kick backs, and behavior their mothers would undoubtedly frown upon.
This has entirely failed to shock, surprise, or cause any kind of outrage in
Canada. We all kinda just shrugged our shoulders and went, “Yeah that’s about right.”
Well everyone except the opposition to the current Government.
The opposition has kinda said, “We can do bribery, kick backs, and behavior Mom wouldn’t like now? Okay we’ve got to have an election! I want a chance at this slop bucket now too!”
And that catches you, dear readers, up to where we were before the debate, and now to introduce our cast of characters.
The Prime Minister- Steven Harper, although I might have got his first name wrong. It might be spelled Stephen or Stefan, doesn’t matter, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he has fled the country with several hefty garbage bags full of cash and had changed his name to Cash McMoneyBags.
I want to like Harper. What a great name. Sounds a little like Oprah. Like would John the Violin player rip you off? Would Oprah? Of course not! Harper is a kind and gentle kinda name.
And Harper appointed a couple Senators who were facing fraud charges.
This offends me!
Not that they could be, might be, criminals, but nothing has been proven, they’ve only been charged with naughty behavior, these possibly convict Senators, I actually approve of that.
What offends me is I know politicians are likely putting too much of my butter on their bread, but they should be better at it. They’ve been charged with fraud, I want them to be sneakier about it.
The Guy Who Should Be Running the Country but Never Will Be- Jack Layton is the man!
Layton looks like a charismatic and irresistible Lex Luther and he has a hot Asian wife who I believe didn’t come through the mail.
Unlike most politicians I believe his head spends little time up his ass, and if it does that’s fine too, he’s bald which makes, I am sure, for easy insertation and removal of cranium from anus.
Canada would be a paradise if
Layton were in charge, probably not, doesn’t matter anyway, should never happen. There are only eighteen voters left in
Canada I believe, and they are all over the age of seventy, and Jack Layton represents a party most voters think are communists.
And in the unlikely event
Layton was ever given the rotary phone of power it would be disastrous for the country. The members of his cabinet would have to be chosen from members of Parliament who spend most of their time celebrating voters 80
th Birthday parties. Decades of attending “Come and Go Teas” are not going to prepare anyone for a position as Minister of Defense.
Some French Guy- Some French Guy who I’m not even going to attempt a spelling of his name. And that doesn’t matter either, there is no chance he will ever see this post, it’s not in French, and since I am from Ontario even if he did see this post he would not acknowledge it’s existence, it would be seen as an attack against his culture, the great empire of Quebec.
I’m glad they included Pepe Le Pew in the debate. When it was his turn to talk it gave me a chance to go for a smoke.
At one point he almost demanded that
Quebec be allowed to be in charge of immigration to
Quebec and pointed out that
Quebec was a country.
I think that’s what he was babbling about anyway it’s hard to tell I’m laboring under the assumption that “Dis” meant “This” and “Dat” meant “That” so I might have lost something in the translation.
I do, however, have a newsflash for you all in
Quebec.
Mostly we don’t like you. You gave us poutine, and you gave us Mitsou, but you’re really starting to get on our nerves.
You’re like a homosexual brother who is trying too hard to be gay. Take off the assless chaps, quit blaring the village people, come to the dinner table in something other than an evening gown, and we’d like you a whole lot better.
You want to speak French! We get it, go ahead. Now this great boat of ours called
Canada is sinking and we need you to stop talking about your distinctive culture, grab a bucket, and start helping us bail.
The Next President of Canada- Ignatiff. I can’t remember his first name, and I’m sure I spelled his last name wrong too, and fortunately neither of his names matter too much in ten years, maybe five, I bet no one remembers who he is.
Ignatiff creeps me out more than a little. The man looks a lot like every actor who has ever played the President of the
United States of America in every bad movie ever made.
That’s not entirely an accurate description, he looks like a cross between a B-movie star and something that was created in the basement laboratory of a mad scientist in Washington, like a political Doctor Frankenstein stole the body parts of great bureaucrats of the past and cobbled together a flesh golem and sent it to Canada to rule our country.
And Mr Ignatiff no one is going to vote for you I fear, because no one can really pronounce your name. Why not try a good old fashioned easy to pronouncify Canadian name like Gretzky!
But Mr. Ingatiwhatever is probably most tuned in to the needs and wants of the Canadian public he did spend like a decade teaching Americans how to play Euchre at Harvard.
So there’s our choices my back bacon eating friends, and the debate went something like this, actually pretty much exactly like this.
Harper: “I don’t know why we’re having an election no one wants an election.”
Not Harper: “We’re having an election because you’re a dyslexic Robin Hood stealing from everyone and giving to the rich.”
Harper: “Really don’t know why we’re having an election everything is fine”
Not Harper: “You’re pure evil! You’re a bandit!”
Harper: “Nope. No one wants an election. Why am I even here?”
The End
P.S. Didn’t Kirstie Alley look great on Dancing With the Stars?
